March 9th, 2003

Breaking it out

I need to develop a plan for my self, for how I'm going to handle my existence in NJ when I get back. The central immediacies are getting a job and dealing with the divorce. Raising the boys is more important, but not as immediate.

The plan starts with a goal; goals are in pursuit of a mission. What's my mission?

I'm trying to unify five things: Poly, kink, Jewishness, Geekbrain (aka Aspergers), and an as-yet amorphous fifth that deals with how a localized community should exist. I can explain it in about five minutes, but I don't have a neat little label for it that both fits and is generally comprehensible. In my own particular implementation it centers around parenting; that's idiosyncratic to me, not a fundamental part of the structure.

I want to build this unity for several reasons, but the chief one is I want to live in it. I *also* want to do the theory paper, and I suspect I'll need it in order to make the unity work, because I'll be dealing with a bunch of major intellects if I'm doing it right. But the theory paper is nonetheless a tool and a report, not the Thing itself.

I've got a short-term career plan. Well, okay; five years or so is short-term in the timescale I'm talking about. And, dammit, I just had to go pace for five minutes to get Gail out of my system. Finding a way to cope with that is high on my list; I lose a lot of time to it.

Anyway, my short-term plan is to get a substitute teaching certificate and use subteaching as an excuse for a job while I work out a set of RPG's to use as social-skills teaching tools for special needs kids. My real focus is Aspergers' kids, but that's not a wide enough market. This part of my plan is somewhat dependent on getting bucks from Gail, because subs don't make a living wage. Even if I get work every day, monthly take-home is about $1.2K. That doesn't even cover rent in this town.

There's an important issue I need to cover in order to make it work. I need to build a center of identity and belief that is both independent of Gail and resistant to her manipulations. And dammit, there I went again. Another five minutes of pacing and deep-breathing exercises. Dealing with her manipulations is what brought on the heart attack in the first place.

So I need to figure out, very concretely, what I am going to do to reinforce myself. A dietary plan? Mealtime customs? Home decoration? Specific social customs? Regular meetings with friends? All of them, I think, but I need to get very specific about the implementation plans, so that when I'm back in NJ and in the middle of shit I have a sufficiently detailed plan that I can keep moving on it even when my brain shuts down.

Suggestions welcome; I'm going to go stew on it myself for a bit.