May 6th, 2004

(no subject)

Punzel had a good post today, but so terse as to be difficult to respond to. Needs more oil.

My mom has been after me to move back to LA. Good for her, but is it good for me?

I *had* been getting some moral support from her until she learned how to shut it off last week. I'm not getting any in NJ, but if I'm not going to get any in LA either why is it better?

What I need for moral support is people to talk to when *I* need to talk, as opposed to when *they* happen to feel like listening. And allow me to set the premises of that particular conversation. Mom prides herself on her listening, which is odd given how poorly she does it with me. (I have seen her listen well with other people, but not with me.) I get to speak about two sentences, and then she tells me what to do. And what she says has to be RIGHT, dammit!

For a while, while the tension was particularly thick, I'd simply out-shout her 'til I got to say what I needed to say. And all she'd remember is being out-shouted, which is horrible to her. *sigh* Control games.

And I've got stuff to do, which really needed to be done days ago, but now is all the time I have. And no one here to talk to.

Ah, well. Laundry.

(no subject)

Head full of lukewarm grits. Yecccccch.

Up, breakfasted, medicated, made bed. All good so far. Sorting laundry; not bad. Need to find a piece of paper and take it to the DMV; paper-hunting not working.

Grad School: My understanding is that you're not allowed to challenge the existing paradigm 'til you prove you understand it. But if you're challenging the fundamental precepts, this looks like an enormous waste of time. Like having to learn the minutiae of phlogiston chemistry before you can propose organic.

And then there's worrying if Gail will crush Gabe if I go elsewhere for school. She sees herself as the Ideal Everything, including parent, but then acts always and solely on her personal self-interest. It'd be easier for her for Gabe to go to a more logistically convenient school; so what if it's a mediocre travesty? Feh.

I already posted about moral support relating to school for me. This connects fairly directly with the two paragraphs above; the first one obviously, the second probably less so.

Zack I'm less worried about. Emotionally, somewhat: He has no clue how tough he is, and so being left to rely on his own toughness probably leaves him feeling very alone and abandoned. Being tough doesn't mean you don't get hurt; it just means you can get through it. Eventually.

Mundania, maybe. I'll get back to the laundry.

(no subject)

A good phonecall with Theresa (not on LJ), and a lovely point here from mousefeathers, that I can do a more specific job of picking graduate schools. Becoming a self-help guru is not impossible, but doesn't strike me as being an optimal approach. Maybe I should come back to that in more detail later; why, exactly?

Need to get a tape recorder so I can have that conversation with Theresa again, and get it down in written electrons this time. Much good theory about humans and power interactions.

It seems that the first rule of mindgames is Never Admit that there's a game. Why is that? Any guesses?

Got a sandwich at the convenience store next door for lunch, passed Liz in the kitchen, which she'd spent the morning cleaning out and reorganizing, so I won't be able to find anything again for a month. Ordinarily, if someone's working, I'm likely to join 'em and help finish the job, but with Liz, this means listening to her tell me all about why our having to do the job at all is all my fault to begin with. This is so with *anyone* who tries to work with her, not just me. Ah, well.

Parental Herrings

The Parental Red Herring: My folks have a very traditional set of sex roles; he's in charge of the Real World, and she's in charge of emotions. They've each separately told me they'll give me all the support I need as I recover from the divorce. The Herring is, how far can I trust that? Dad signs the checks, so to speak, but the idea to write one seems to come only from Mom. Dad spent a lot of my adolescence telling me how his obligation to me ended when I got out of college. He also in my earlier childhood said many times that whatever Mom said goes, no matter how ridiculous or unreasonable. So if I piss Mom off, does their assistance go away?

I suspect I have much deeper support from my Dad than I'm counting on, but it gets hard to tell.

Part of the conversation with Theresa before was on the subject of power games and power relationships. Any time anyone is in charge of something of imporance to someone else, a power relationship develops, yet it seems to be the most common and most basic of societal customs that it's rude to acknowledge that relationship. Why?