June 6th, 2004


Up since four; might as well give this a try. ("This" was X-journal, and I didn't get it to work. Cut-and-pasting from there, here we go.)

Re-setting since the divorce is still an issue. I had re-built myself into a Family Man, dedicated to making the Family work - and my now-ex was a dedicated player of the Relationship Game, of threatening the integrity of the family to get her way. Twenty years of "My way or the highway;" no wonder living on the road looks tempting. So doing a formal treatment of how-people-handle-power is one of my research interests. This ties in with my BDSM interests, and also ties in with the issue of bullying, which is a central issue in Aspergers treatment. Aspies are bully-magnets; we won't be able to tell why unless we can tell what bullies are looking for.

And that ties in with blood-family issues, as I recognize and deal with my mother's bullying. It's not simply that she does it -- she's done so all my life, I should be used to that by now -- it's that being a bully is a central part of her identity, and I've always thought bullying was evil.

Hm; "evil" is a trigger-word. Being a bully is one way of being human, so my Way of Living should encompass it. But how? How to deal morally with issues of power and privilege? Eliminating 'em would narrow the definition of what it means to be human, which is not an acceptable technique.

So, re-setting: Should I find more people to be for, or re-structure myself so that I'm doing it all for me? The latter is the more independent route, and I have a reasonable level of cultural conditioning to value independence. I also have a philosophical leaning towards *inter*dependence, which seems to me more reasonable and workable. But it requires finding people to trust with that deep a relationship, and I'm not going to find 'em sitting here on my butt.

I hope to continue this later, but I figure I'd be better off tossing this bit out there and seeing if it gets a comment or two, since at the moment I still do thrive on the interaction.

(no subject)

Killed time today re-reading the '1632' series. Flint's characters do right all the things our current batch of politicoes are doing wrong, which makes it a cheerful read. Also went for a nice walk with Zack, at his initiative.

Wrote to a number of folks about initiative problems, and how/why I'm trying to "tuck my guts back in," as I put it in one post. I feel rather like a musician unaccustomed to playing outdoors trying to get used to the acoustics of a void. I built one family and it broke; I'd like to build another -- but I suspect I've got some bits of *me* I have to fix, first. I'm not used to being first; it's been a long time.