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Opinions, please?
I'm drafting a letter to my Dad, and it's got a lot of heavy stuff in it. So I'd like to use y'all as editors and proofreaders, if you would. I have a problem of tending to leave out the occasional connecting sentence, leaving two thoughts sitting in proximity on the page but leaving the reader to guess the connection between them.

We had a long phone chat, after which he sent the following:Collapse )

My proposed responseCollapse )

So -- critique my writing, please? Am I making sense? Am I avoiding gratuitious offense? Do I connect my bits without requiring mind-reading?