March 3rd, 2005

Fresh start. Unfiltered.

Okay, not going in. Need structure; what am I going to do?

Having made the decision, the tension headache is likely. Take meds, deal.

Need to pay bills immediately, write the nasty letter to cablevision, and so on. Need to re-do house financial system, not immediate.

Exercise, for one thing. Borrow Zack's bike, maybe, or go for a run if not.

Do the child support motion immediately. Then do a new resume. I'll need some human contact in between there; I'll need to figure out something.

Need to turn grad school into a plan instead of an idea. Need to generate three other ideas, and figure out what it takes to turn them into plans.

And need not to collapse and fall into my bellybutton while contemplating the marvelous List. More on that, next.

(no subject)

Head is starting to shut down, as anticipated. Thinking about Zack's bike being stolen, and Zack forgetting to tell me until I mentioned it here.

Is using LJ as a first line of family communication a good idea? I'm not at all sure; I want to think about that. When I grew up talking was the first line of communication; I don't know if my still being in favor of it is the best idea or not. Theory suggests we should be flexible on what is the primary method, use what works at the time, and make sure we've got good communications *about* which method we're going to use. I'm not sure we as people work the same way.

If it is, I suppose y'all are family, in a sense. How many am I cooking for tonight?

best,

Joel

It's Done.

Okay, it's done. I sent in a "termination" email, acknowledging conversation with Ben last night. I'm not going in any more.

I've taken the meds, but my head still hurts. Feel free to phone, but I don't guarantee I'll be able to find it. And forgive me if my writing wanders a bit.

What I lose by not going in to work is having real live people to talk to every day. Okay, June and I didn't have much in common, other than working together -- but that was enough. I had some caring for her, and she for me, and that's important. And no, I'm not discussing romance, or anything leading in that direction. Or even deep powerful friendship. It's important to have *casual friends*, is what I'm getting at. And as far as I'm aware no one has invented a good terminology for different kinds of friends yet.

Customs are different in Germany; you can work with someone for thirty years and he's still Herr Schmidt, not Hans. But the worker in Germany still has the same kind of relationship with Herr Schmidt that I had with June, and that kind of relationship matters, and counts for something in life.

Lack of it is why stay-at-home-parents go crazy, if they don't have adequate support networks set up. The caffee-klatsch and the PTA are necessities for parental sanity, whether they actually *do* anything or not.

I've been reading Jon Carroll's archives, and wondering why I'm not him. I don't have the practice, for one thing. Sure, I can write a column -- but I don't think I could write a column *every day* and keep it up for fifteen years. Writing here has helped; I'm not sure what to do with that or how, yet.

There's lots of stuff for me to do here; after my head stops hurting I'll get up and do it. I may write some more, but no guarantees on the quality of that, either.

*Almost* done

Damn. Spoke with Ben again; when he said "I can do that" last night he meant starting a longer process, not something he could do with a wave of hand over keyboard. So there's more gymnastics to go through.

On the positive side, he spoke of emailing paperwork to me to print, sign and fax back, so no more 120-mile drives through insane traffic. (Worst story: Being caught in my Civic between a pair of merging 18-wheelers, with another one right on my ass. The Honda is now 2" narrower in back than it used to be.)

I'm taking a walk to the pharmacy; anyone who wants to call use my cell, 914-374-8142.

(no subject)

Head not working correctly but I can still find the keyboard. Going out for a walk helps as long as I keep it short; it's cold (high 20's F) and windy outside. Trying to do housework didn't work earlier; I'd get up, walk into another room, and forget why I'd done so. The dog thinks I must be doing it to pay attention to him, and since I don't remember *my* reason, his wins.

What do I want to do with my life? Do things that are fun for me, and build a better world for my kids. THere's bleed-through and overlap; little pleases me more than doing something that *works* for the boys.

The next interesting question that seems to follow from the above is "How do I decide what is fun for me?" Partly by observation; I do X and I like it. Partly by other processes, that I'd like to explore, but I think those neurons are still out on the walk.

An issue I'm trying to get at is internal as contrasted with social motivation. Attention span shot; I'll try again later.

(no subject)

So my original justification for grad school was getting the credential to take the role-playing-game therapy I'd been using with Zack and turn it into a school of therapy I could practice professionally.

Through a number of avenues, this ties into my larger goal and interest; describing to a hypothetical New Person, whom I've nominated Zack as a representative of the class to serve as an example, what it is to be human and how to identify and make the major decisions that come with that. I'd called that "writing the Bible" until Zack objected to the term; I believe we'd ageed to call it Societal Construction Document.

But that won't pay the rent or buy groceries, yet, at any rate. Unless and until I can figure out how to make a living at it, I have to do something else. What else do I have to offer?

Lots. I've been a project and business manager, a technogeek, an electrician, a carpenter, a chef/cook, a massage therapist, an accountant, a database jock, a warehouseman, and most primarily and importantly a father and head of a large and distributed poly household. But next comes the task of taking my talents and finding a position in which to exercise them.

Pardon me; I still have drugs in charge of my attention span. More later.

(no subject)

Urg. Another call from Ben; crazybosslady didn't receive my email and still wants to hear from me. So I'll call her tomorrow, on tape. Hopefully it'll be brief.

Took Zack to see "Constantine" today; hadn't done anything with him in far too long. He got a very interesting idea for his own writing from it, which I'll let *him* write about rather than telling everybody about it myself.

I think I need to get organized here for doing things here myself as well. More on that later, if I bother writing about it rather than simply doing it.

Feeling a bit at sea at the moment. Not sure why.