March 28th, 2005

(no subject)

Things seem to be changing in my head in places I can't see or perceive directly. Obviously, I have no clue what to do about this, if anything. Maybe I should sleep, and see if that helps.

(no subject)

Rested and awake; now what? It feels like culture and social identity are gone and I have to rebuild them. How? Where is my civilization and how do I tell? Where are my People, or do I have to build *them*, too?

Stick to the mundane, first: Exercise, shower, dress, clean the house, pay the bills, look for work. But there is more, there will be more, whether I can find it or have to make it.

(no subject)

So instead of doing chores I read Mumsford at A good feeling, on the one hand, to know there's someone sane out there. A grim feeling, on the other, that he feels muchly like I do about the culture of the country he's living in. So now what?

Now do the mundane stuff. *Then* work on Saving The World, or Building A New One, or Something.

Happy Monday! Or at least reasonably *workable* Monday.

Had a good conversation with Zack re what to do about his spring break. I have three expectations of him:

1.) He'll get up on time and keep a reasonable schedule. (I don't care if he goes to bed at 1am; I'm concerned with depressive sleep cycles. If he's sleeping twenty hours a day, that's Not Good.)

2.) He'll cooperate with me on improving household habits. I want to work on tidiness and record-keeping.

3.) He'll do something -- anything -- useful with the time he's awake. We've discussed the project of using the eight-track mixer I scavenged for him and comparing its capacities to the PC freeware he has on his laptop, towards the eventual goal of him being able to be a professional-level electronic-based musician. I don't really care if he does that, writes stories, or does break-dancing.

In re my own life, fantasizing with my new friend is helping free up a lot of energy. I need to get back on track with going to grad school and getting a new career started, as well as seeing to the possible need to flee the Fourth Reich. My bro' is moving to Thailand, but as he's a professional salesman it's not clear to me that his estimate of his abilities once he's there will bear any resemblance to what he's presenting. My fantasy partner would like me to move to the UK, and one of the experts in my new field is at Cambridge, so that's not impossible.

I'm still having a lot of angst about being able to Be There for Gabe. If I'm in New York, he still gets to see me every day. I have some fear that if I move out of daily contact with him, he'll collapse under the weight of his mother. I need to think more on this, doing a better analysis of what is good for *Me*, so I can better integrate it into what is good for *us*. Spending another two to three years with his mother isn't *necessarily* a catastrophe; just a *possible* catastrophe.

IN the meantime, pay bills, clean house, and get some stuff out of storage.

Good day, all.