April 20th, 2005

(no subject)

So I spoke with my Mom last night, who told me I was being hypersensitive about being bawled out by my Dad, as if I didn't already know that. Gee, that helped a lot; thanks, Mom. I feel like shit, so obviously the solution is Throw More Shit.

Got a to-do list worked out for tomorrow -- well, actually today; it is 3:30am -- might as well try to get two hours sleep before it starts.

Discipline vs. Depression

Discipline means "structure", in the sense of a mental structure that lets you do things regardless of how you feel about them, for example. I don't *want* to clean up the living room, but if I'm disciplined about the task I can do it anyway.

Depression is the state of not having enough emotional energy to care. For a person in a "normal" state, the living room looking nicer when it's clean is enough to motivate them to clean it, and feel rewarded when the job is done. For a person in a depressed state, so what? The living room is clean; that's nice. No feeling rewarded, thus no motivation to do the job.

Discipline should be able to defeat depression. I think this is part of the thought behind Basic Training in the military; are there any military or ex-military folks reading who'd care to comment? My Dad's approach is "Assemble a list of what you have to do, and then go down the list and do each thing, regardless of how you feel about it."

Didn't work yesterday; let's see if I can get it to work today. And see the divorce attorney about getting child support; more Great Fun.

Okay, discipline *and* energy

acheron_hades had some interesting comments to make about my last two posts, bringing up the distinction between discipline, which I'd been discussing, and energy. I think both topics are actually necessary, and in my case directly related via the problem I'm trying to address.

Discipline is structure; the energy is what is contained and focused by the structure. If the structure has a hole, or is misaligned, it can't hold the energy, which leaks out. End result: I have no energy, and I have this weighty structure to carry around, which takes even *more* energy. And now holds none.

It takes energy to rebuild the structure. Rebuilt, it can store and focus energy. Bootstrapping problem. Need to find activation energy. Must remember to use the energy to rebuild the energy structure rather than using it directly for immediate work, or the problem will remain.

I need to talk through what kind of structure to build and how to build it. Anyone here with expertise in that? I work better by phone than email; call me at 732-249-4034 or email your number to polydad8 at yahoo dot com if you can. I've had comments on the subject from England and Australia, and yes I *am* willing to make international calls if it'll help address this problem.

A bit of good news at last

Met with the divorce lawyer; rather than giving me the hard time I was anticipating he handed me the check I had coming right away. And calculated the child support, and his number was within $75/mo. of the number I'd come up with, which is 4X what the Evil Ex is offering. Everything going very very well there.

I'm still feeling a bit creaky physically; I'll take some meds and hit the sack. And, hopefully, sleep.