June 24th, 2005

Putting the pieces together

Okay, so instead of packing and cleaning up yesterday I spent the time here. And there's a limit to how much I can do that again and still get out the door, so after I write this I'll go clean up the kitchen.

My parents are, between them, two people. But they're so codependent that neither one of them is a person alone. My dad has a marvelous brain, and my mom has the emotions. This is of course oversimplification, but the broad outline is accurate. He *seems* to be just learning how to feel; she knows *how* to think, but avoids it whenever possible.

I lack the capacity to make her be a mensch. She has all the pieces she needs to be one, but it's her will that has to make it happen. If she chooses not to, why she makes that choice is irrelevant; it's her choice to make, which includes the freedom to be wrong and fuck it up. I can *try* to make contact this trip, but if she insists on holding to her I-am-never-wrong bullshit, I can't force it to work.

Maybe I can make something work with my Dad; maybe not. He loves her a lot, and working with him may be like being with someone who insists on dragging a fresh corpse around with him for sentimental reasons, and maybe I can learn to do that and maybe I can't; I don't know yet.

I haven't decided what to do about being with Gabe yet; see my last post if you're not caught up on that yet. I figure I've got 'til the end of August to decide. I don't *want* to make it wait that long, but that's the limit of the slack I have. Before then is doing the musical with him, a gap while he goes travelling with his Mom, and then he and I go to Pennsic. After Pennsic, decision time.

I may try to visit Phyllis while they're off travelling, and see what I may have left there, if anything. I still love her, but I have doubts that her life has anything resembling a Joel-shaped lacuna in it. Maybe an occasional visiting LDR; maybe not. Perhaps I'll get a chance to find out.

Back to boys and decisions: I'll have a lot of opportunity to talk with Zack over the next two weeks. He should get out of New Jersey; it's an open question as to whether he needs to be with me or not. He has no clue himself, as he told me yesterday afternoon. (I've never been out of reach in his life; how could *he* know what it's like to live without me close to hand?) I suspect he might be ready for a Wanderjahr, and his trip this summer will be a good way to find out. I think he could use a long heart-to-heart with his cousin Hal in Seattle, if we can find Hal's heart and it happens to be in proximity to Hal's mouth when we need him to talk. Hal, an ex-Green Tortoise driver, is the family authority on wandering. Also recreational pharmaceuticals, which is why taking Hal-inventory is not always a trivial task. (He doesn't do much *now*; it's the after-effects of what he did *then*. Okay, it's a more complex situation and that's a cop-out. It'll do for the moment.)

I have two other friends who show some possibility of becoming romantic interests, one in the US, the other in the UK. So now we've gone through the inventory of all the *other* people in my life. What about *me*?

I think it's about time I started finding out. Anyone who knows me and thinks they might have any hints, let me know. And Kellev, if you're reading this and it's Friday morning, I think we can do that lunch today, if you're still up for it.