July 25th, 2005

(no subject)

Sometimes I feel like I'm back in my very first band class. Hold the mouthpiece in your hand. Now purse your lips and make a farting noise. Good; now louder. Now tighten up your lips and make the same noise an octave higher.

All this time the mouthpiece is still in your hand, not in front of your mouth. No matter how hard you blow farting noises into the air, the horn still isn't going to make any noise.

I've been running on very very little emotional support for several years now. When I have a day where a dozen people are picking on me, like yesterday, each individual pick may be trivial, but they have a cumulative effect. When I finally blow up at someone for mis-speaking, they're then horrified that I should act so wildly out of proportion. Okay, they mis-spoke; what's the big deal?

And I agree with them, but that's not the point.

On top of my Dad cutting off financial support as of the end of next month, my landlady left a message on the phone saying if I don't get a replacement co-signer, she's throwing me out. My bankruptcy isn't through yet, so I will have no way of getting a place to live or of keeping my posessions.

So I'm under a lot of pressure. If I take that pressure and do something useful with it, great. If not, I explode, which doesn't make a good impression on interviews, even if you're interviewing to be a suicide bomber. You only get to do it *once* on that job.

So I want to get emotional support. Vent to a friend, let a little of the pressure off so I don't come off in an interview as if I want the job of the fool interviewing me. Asking for emotional support is like blowing into your mouthpiece; it feels good and practices technique, but doesn't make anything we could call music. Venting and getting sympathy will not get me an apartment or a job.

On the plus side, I have an interview tomorrow at 5:30am at UPS, and another on Wednesday at lunchtime. If I get either job, I can continue to live here.

I also have two other immediate jobs to apply for today. One at Rutgers, and one at the supermarket. The one at Rutgers has some benefit to it, as employees get a tuition discount and RU is one of the schools I'd like to go to. And I can browse Dice and Monster as per usual, and see if anything looks applicable.

So I know what I need to do, but my gut is still telling me to go find a friend to bitch to. I may *need* the emotional support, even if I'm trying to deny that to myself so I can go do things I *objectively* need more. But I'm human and humans are *sub*jective. It's *my* life I'm living, and if my gut is telling me I need a cuddle, my gut is by definition correct. And I may need to overrule it anyway.

I've been trying for months now to *learn how* to listen to my gut. Per the Taoist advice I've been getting from Steve and others, I *need* to do that in order to find my own true voice, or some other equivalent mystical construct. And I also need to *not* do it, because I won't have much inner peace with which to explore if I have to get a cardboard box and live under the railroad bridge.

There are other obstacles, but they're comparatively trivial. Figuring out how to listen to my gut and let it feel calmed while ignoring it and taking unrelated action is what I have to do.

Now if I can do that while playing Devil-sticks and riding on a unicycle, *then* I've got something.