May 13th, 2009

Business Analyst and Lion Tamer Wanted

No, that's not the title of the ad I'm responding to. But they're going to have a couple of thousand Anal Business Resumes in their in-boxes, and I want someone to actually *read* mine. So there will be a good Business Analyst resume in there, with enough of the Lion Tamer added in for proper comic effect. And you get to be my co-writer, if you want to toss in a Collapse )

Lion Tamer Resume

Can't figure out how to post the formatting, but here's the content:


2725 NW Bryant St.
Corvallis, OR 97330
Seeking combined position as business analyst and lion tamer.


Expert in analysis of project and system requirements, data flows, and appetite and dentition patterns of large felines.
Requirements Analysis: Have used Vignere and Cabolo requirements analysis tools in developing Requirements documentation for enterprise-wide software design.
Documentation Analysis: Have developed process flows and signoff charts for financial trading for all 118 business units of an international investment bank.
Business Continuity Analysis: Developed critical-path analysis of business functions and emergency backup plans.

Communications, Documentation and Customer relations:
Ability to communicate accurately and precisely with clients of several different species.
Experienced with email, IM, website-based and social network consumer interactions.
Have maintained filing systems by alphabet, date, version, address, and relational database.
Have controlled documentation on software design programs using CVS software.
Superb phone voice and manner.
Able to exercise patience and explain policies and procedures in simple, comprehensible fashions.

Technical Proficiencies:
Full command of all professional tools, including PC, CASE software, chair, and whip.
Current on and have taught use of all standard Microsoft Office products (Word, Excel, Powerpoint, Access, Visio, Outlook, Publisher, etc.) and Open Office equivalents.
Have managed multiple projects with resource sharing across projects using Microsoft Project and have worked with both Primavera and Rational Suite project-management tools.
Many proficiencies in database, documentation, and design simulation tools (separate list can be provided upon request).

Size 7 3/4 head suitable for insertion into the mouths of lions, tigers, and Senior Management. Too large for cheetahs and unit managers; too small for Directors and General Counsel.
Supervised teams of up to 28 technical workers and engineers.
Direct P&L responsibility for projects up to $25MM.
Have managed extremely diverse teams including international situations requiring team documents to be translated and distributed in four languages.

Work History:
June, 2006 – current: Facilitator, Global and Regional Aspergers Partnership:
June 2006 – August 2008: Editor, Los Angeles Maritime Institute
June 1979 – July 2005: Career in I. T. and Computing, from commercial package use through database and graphics work to a growing role in program and project management.

Education: BA Accounting/Economics (double major) Rutgers University 1979.