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Things are going sort-of-well. I'm approaching some kind of cusp, and as seems to be typical for such things I don't know cusp-of-*what*, or how things might go.

I have a lot of very current issues and problems, and also more things going *right* with life. Let's start with the good stuff:

Kids: Zack is back from his summer travels and as soon as we can spend some time together I think we can plan an excellent year. He's thinking about moving out next summer; I'm not sure if he'll be ready to live by himself yet then, but I suspect the experiment would be a good idea: If it works, great; if it doesn't, a negative result to an experiment is also valid. (I'm pretty sure Zack understands that "Not Ready Yet" is a very different message than "Can't Do This;" if he's not ready to live on his own next year, maybe it'll be the year after, and it's no big deal, and if he is, then fine, he's there.)

Gabe has started SAB again, which is good. I owe him an email, which I need to get to soon. I'll try for this weekend; my schedule is muchly in flux from the change to graveyard work.

Grad School: My application at Walden U. is complete and I'm expecting an admissions decision from them on Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. I also expect it'll be positive.

Work: I'm working at UPS, which is sufficient for the moment. It's good parnosseh.

So the positive model of life is I start grad school, and I have work to support it, and my sons are well and healthy and growing. I have to start getting ready for the nest to empty out, but that's a Standard Stage of Life sort of thing.

Now for the shit:

I'm still trying to get my lawyer to file the paperwork to get the child support paid. I was awarded child support in the divorce, but getting it in the divorce papers doesn't mean you actually *collect* it. This is a real pain-in-the-ass battle, that the probable only winners in are the lawyers. But I have to learn to stand up for my self and my own rights, and here is one of the places I have to do it.

I'm declaring bankruptcy, and I have a lot of legal paperwork I have to do for that. And the papers are on the kitchen table, under the settling layer of dust caused by the sheetrock work that's finally getting done.

I'm having a dispute with my landlady about that sheetrock work. We're not at the drawn-lawyers stage *yet*, but I'm talking with one.

I do *not* want to become a Professional Plaintiff. But I *do* need to learn to stand up for myself, as said above. Which is why I describe this as "shit to be cleaned up."

Relations with my parents are in tremendous flux, which is agonizing as I'm currently reliant on them for financial support, and I'm never sure from one day to the next if it's going to be there.

And the opportunities:

I'm working with a men's group, and they have a connection with a "weekend", which they do not call a workshop but that's the word I've heard for such things elsewhere. I *might* be able to do something very good with it.

Some old friendships are showing signs of getting better and more intense. There's also some sexual confusion around a couple of those, but the friendship is drastically more important than the lust, and I'll need to make sure that's understood. I'd *like* to be lustful, too, but keeping priorities orderly is important.

And I need to get some sleep before I go get Gabe for his dance class. More soon.



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this post seems a lot more direct than a lot of your other posts. I like it.

as I see it, we all have issues to deal with; the trick is recognizing them and then dealing with them, which you seem to be doing.

Good, clear statement of the situation, both negatives (which you are already good at) and positives (which you don't show most of us most of the time).

WRT to the parents--I get how it CAN be agonizing. As a professional worrywort myself, I get it, really. But let me offer you another question to consider: What if you just didn't worry about it? They will do whatever they will do, and decide whatever they will decide. And yes, that might mean that suddenly your support isn't there. But wouldn't that happen anyway, without you worrying about it? So why are you spending your precious spoons worrying about a situation you really can't affect?

Because I really can and do affect it, by how I handle my relationship with them. A few hours of kissing up to Mommy made life *much* easier, at the price of having to wash my mouth out with bourbon to get rid of the taste of shit.

While I despise the necessity of having such an inauthentic relationship with them, if that's what I need to have, I can at least do it well.



OK, that's fine. Kissing up, handling your relationship with them in a certain way, even saying things a particular way in order to smooth your relationship--those are all good things to do. And as such, are not *simply* worrying, n'est pas? It's not that you shouldn't think about these things, and then act on the thoughts. It's that you shouldn't spend hours and energy WORRYING about the situation once you've done your bit. The flux may be a given, but the agony does not need to be, in other words.

Thats why I really hate lawyers....

Not for not getting things done, which they will delay doing to try to get more cashola, but you get a awarded something, yet you're not getting it. Why, if an award is conferred and you don't get it, is the person whom you're to get it from not locked up for non-payment? Why should there have to be more paperwork about a done-deal?

Re: Thats why I really hate lawyers....

Why should there have to be more paperwork about a done-deal?

So the lawyers can get paid more, of course, but you knew that.



i think it's great that you're making clear the distinction between: not ready yet and not able to.

that's an important thing for anyone to learn.

that's an important thing for anyone to learn.

Yeah. He's an almost comically bright kid. Most common learning problem: He already gets it before I get done with my first sentence, and gets very impatient with my insistence on finishing describing the idea, which I do for the purpose of confirming that the idea he did just learn is the same idea as the one I was trying to get across. I think I'm teaching him data theory next.



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