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polydad
I have a lot of women on my friends' list; possibly due to many years of practice loving women. I notice, though, that over the last few days many of them have posted about their romantic (as contrasted with sex) lives, and what I read of them looking for love is generally internally inconsistent and/or otherwise unworkable. I don't think this is a sex-biased phenomenon; I'm sure many men do it too. My immediate question: Is it simply over-represented on my list, or do I select for women with unrealistic expectations? Of course, a reasonable follow-up question would be how could I expect you, my reader, to have an informed opinion; the answer is that I don't. And you've never failed me; any time I want an uninformed opinion I'm sure to get it, along with the sage advice, informed opinions, and probing questions I have more use for. As well as the occasional meatloaf.

I'm up on my day off only slightly later than my usual time, and today seems to be starting productively. To Do list cut for the sake of protecting your lack of interest:

Finish CIS
Package credit report for mailing to bankruptcy attorney
Finish Laundry
Clean Living Room
Call Phil; invite him to come play PR with us this afternoon and discuss geekery
Bonus Points: Clean Carpet
Bonus Points: Clean Kitchen Hallway
Discuss geekery with Phil, if possible
Write to Gabe about his career
Bonus Points: Buy needles, thread; put buttons on pants


And so, to work!


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I won't argue one way or the other about my qualifications to respond to your comments about romance.

I'll just note that romance has has been more than a "might be nice" in my life. As in, not something I'd look for. What romance I've gotten, just happened.

I don't think I know *how* to look for it.

Then again, given that I'm not "up to"" dating these days (not that I ever really was) I don't think I need to worry about that.

Hell, I barely fantasize about *sex* any more. At least not in the sense of "something might actually happen"

So I'm probably so far off the scale in some direction or another that my data should probably get tossed as an extreme outlier.

I won't argue one way or the other about my qualifications to respond to your comments about romance.

Your civility is noted; I have no reason to believe you not qualified.

And being off the scale extends the baseline of the scale, which is helpful.

best,

Joel. Happy to find someone else who's up at this ridiculous hour.

Well, it's not nearly as ridiculous on the left coast.

Depends if you're up early or late, I suppose.

best,

Joel. Involuntary early riser.

my unscientific 2 cents -

my romantic requirement was to marry the person who made me happy; the one I wanted for a best friend. We've been together 28 years.

As for the other - the sex was always great, but it gets better over time since we never stop wanting to know more about each other.

But yes, among my own women firends, I find that the majority of them dismiss "comfort and joy" because they want "rapture"...

what I noticed was that rapture seldom led to comfort and joy, but that comfort and joy frequently leads to rapture.

The idea of mistakenly seeking rapture instead of comfort and joy sounds about right. I did that for *years* before I realized that it was a mistake. Of course, in my case, trying to be monogamous when I'm wired for polyamory was part of it - I was trying to get one person to answer too many of my needs and wants when I'm not even wired to process that.

Even if I weren't poly, I think I'd still need a few people in my life to meet my intense emotional and social needs, even if only being sexual and romantic with one of them.

I think that intelligent people, of whatever gender, tend to want more out of the people they bring into their lives as friends and/or lovers, which adds to the problem.

At some point in the next few days, I may get around to posting about my romantic life, because I may have something to talk about on that front soon. When I do, I'll be interested to see whether you consider my views and expectations unreasonable.

I'll be interested to see whether you consider my views and expectations unreasonable.

Okay; I'll keep an eye out for your post.

best,

Joel. Just full of opinions, occasionally even on the subject under discussion.

These days, I don't post about my romantic life at all, brcause it's cut and dried, I know what I need and I know how to go about hunting for it. Back when I used to post about it, I didn't know; I had a whole bunch of ideas about what I thought was right, that somehow didn't seem to be holding up when I tried them out; so you heard about it a lot more because I was trying to problem-solve, without having any idea that that was what I was doing.

As to whether you pick women with unrealistic expectations; I think you like to talk about and process ideas. Possibly that means that you gravitate to people who do the same, either by nature or because that's where they are in their lives at the moment - so if these other girls are doing what I was, small wonder you like to talk to them.

I tend to find myself in impossible situations, including one that I'm currently in (see my latest post for what's going on). Having romance in my life is difficult enough as it is--for a busy academic, I often don't have the time to go looking outside the academy and the times I have, it's been hard to find people who a) don't think I'm a snob in an ivory tower and b) understand that I have a demanding career. So romances for me have just "happened", often with others in positions similar to mine. However, for demographic, cultural, and other personal reasons, the situations seem impossible and differences usually end up tearing us apart.

Sometimes I just want to give up. I'm secure enough with my own person to make my own life and my own way, but I don't feel my demands are all that high for someone--I just want a companion, someone who understands that I have to work hard and I'll care for them even harder. Unfortunately (or fortunately, really), I think I've found that person, but he's going back overseas in six weeks and after that, who knows? :/


Sex and Love are the issue today and yesterday and the past few years.

I do not want to risk at all. I want to feel whole and then see what happens.

I have so many issues that overwhelm me and with one month out of this journal I feel I need less news and more journal readings.

Sex will happen when it does or not.

But my search for sex and love is not an issue yet.

I'm going thru the process of divorce now.

My only requirement for love was to be in a relationship with someone worthy of love. One who could accept me as I am and who can make me happy.
Found it....was not looking....and not unrealistic I don't think. He can even accept that I want more than just him. I was shocked to have found what I wanted without looking. Seems almost unfair to those who try so hard. I am not a lonely or needy person, possibly thats why it came so easy?

I'm just wondering what sort of beliefs about romance you find are internally inconsistent or unworkable.. Ie. please give an example. ;)

polydad's uncertainty principle at work?

well, my romantic frustrations of late have mostly just been with car trouble, odd traffic, and there not being any really good movie out when I finally get around to just seeing a movie with someone. I don't suppose that's internally inconsistent. I think my world view works with realities of cars and roads and crappy blockbusters.

In any case, I suspect that there is a lot of skew to the observations, based on what people are actually choosing to post about. I'd be more likely to post about gripes, I think, than really good stuff. I don't often post about my uncommonly happy marriage, because I feel a little guilty expounding upon my own happiness in that regard when I know others are lonely or frustrated in their relationships. I don't post about exciting budding new infatuations, because I don't want to be embarassed and uncomfortable if they turn out to be brief or unrequited. I guess what I'm suggesting is that your observations may have a lot more to do with what folks are communicating than how folks are feeling. If you want a survey of how folks are feeling or what's going on in their lives, you could run a poll, or if you don't have a paid account, just ask for comments and tally the results yourself.

Then again, maybe you should go write those letters, hmmm???
(says the one who should be cleaning the kitchen or going to sleep...)

Not taking the bait - for once!

I notice, though, that over the last few days many of them have posted about their romantic (as contrasted with sex) lives, and what I read of them looking for love is generally internally inconsistent and/or otherwise unworkable. *** My immediate question: Is it simply over-represented on my list, or do I select for women with unrealistic expectations? Of course, a reasonable follow-up question would be how could I expect you, my reader, to have an informed opinion; the answer is that I don't.

Well, you stole some of my thunder by recognizing that you couldn't expect us to give you an informed answer. All you have left is for me to point out that your question iteslf is incomplete: it overlooks other options, including the possibility that you might lack sufficient information (about these women, their romantic aspirations and experiences, and their posts - only some of which may be on filters you can access) to allow you to adequately assess the consistency or practicality of their romantic aspirations.

All that excludes my case, of course. I freely admit that I am barking mad - especially when it comes to dreams of romance.

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